Part of your World

Heidi

The usual warning, I wouldn’t start with this article, they are sequential. But how you choose to encounter media is up to you!

Heidi is the next high-school person I’d like to talk about. She and I became close and eventually best friends. Movie-style, “bff” best friends.

I could use Heidi to illustrate almost any facet of Competence. For example, Heidi is a genius at finding information. She’s the co-captain of our excellent team in the Great Midwest Trivia Contest. She also plays on another stellar team in the Steven’s Point Trivia Contest. In some ways she takes after her Mom, who is efficient, no-nonsense, and supremely good at the things she chooses to do. (Her Mom is probably one of the finest quilters anywhere. Heidi does other things.) Heidi goes in-depth. As a geek, two of her prime fandoms are professional wrestling, and comics. Heidi is the kind of woman geek who you hope one of those “prove you’re really a fan” guys runs into. Except she would feel bad about making them cry.

So I have options about what to talk about today. But instead of her many other qualities, I want to use Heidi to illustrate her hallmark.

Heidi cares.

I believe that Competent people care deeply about others.

That “skill” or maybe “curse” feeds into many other Competence skills. Bringing others along, drawing out the best in others, making others successful…caring may be some of the glue that draws these pieces together into something greater. I’m sure you can think of impressive people who lack caring. But I challenge you to think about the sort of keystone person I’m describing who lacks a pervasive care for others.

Caring comes out in many forms. One way Heidi exudes caring is by remembering people. It’s said that if you don’t remember names it’s because you don’t care. That’s nonsense. Some people just aren’t good at remembering names. But if you DO remember names, it’s at the very least true that you notice people, and likely that you notice because you’re interested, and if you’re interested you probably care. Heidi notices. She makes noticing into an art form. Talking with her about shared experiences is like comparing my bullet point back-of-napkin list with her technicolor feature-length movie.

Me: “That was a cool restaurant. We had food.”
Heidi: “Yeah, it’s owned by this guy who worked with me, his wife is from Thailand but he’s from Wales so that’s why the menu is like that. I wanted to go tonight because it’s their youngest child’s birthday and they wanted me to be there because we both really like this one comic and that’s why a small child brought us a piece of cake.”

I joke that I don’t need to remember my life, because Heidi will. I visited her one year and found a photo of me in EVERY ROOM of her home. Which was quite an accomplishment since I deftly (I thought) avoided cameras for my first thirty or so years of life. I’m glad to be to the point in my timeline when Heidi shows up, and you will be too, because now I’ll be able to ask her to help me remember what happened. I fully expect she’ll be transforming these essays from just ideas with shreds of cardboard people buoying them up, into a fleshed-out set of anecdote-enriched stories that deftly illustrate my points.

Did I tell you that Heidi and I both majored in English Literature? Or rather, she was an English Major, and I was someone who took things like “Dramatic Literature: Evil, Bad, and Naughtiness” but couldn’t tell you who Byron was. So yes, look for much improved articles from here on out. You can already thank her for a semicolon in a previous article.

But let’s talk more about caring as a form of competence.

Heidi came from a big family, the eldest of several kids. She has a lot of what you expect in an eldest child. Knowing what’s going on with many people at once is part of it. Asking how her family is doing is like getting a free Russian novel audiobook. I can’t fathom how she can know all of that.

Heidi cares about people. People she knows, people she doesn’t know. She cares more than anyone else I can think of. People are always worth Heidi’s time. That’s how she remembers all the names of the people I’ve long forgotten and all of the funny stories and little details about their lives that would matter to them.

One thing I’ve learned about (but never completely mastered) by watching Heidi is how to take care of people in ways they need and want rather than in whatever way is convenient. Many folks, myself included, tend to make themselves feel good with a show of “help.” We can like the *idea* of helping more than the sometimes-exhausting reality of actually helping. Heidi doesn’t do that. I’ve never perceived Heidi actually feeling better about herself after exhausting herself to do good for someone.

Heidi can anticipate what’s needed and be there. She takes the grunt work. Her advice is always spot-on, because she knows people better than they often know themselves. How frustrating must that be, to be asked for advice and so often not heeded, then have to listen to the tragic tale of failure resulting. That’s par for the course for her. But you can bring her the same tale of woe multiple times and get support and wisdom from her, until eventually you get it.

Her professional life now involves accomplishing big projects through influence rather than authority. I think her company would do better to give her the authority, but such is life. She’s had a number of bosses who didn’t get how to use her skills to maximum effectiveness. She’s one of the folks I think about when I ask about or suggest ways that managers could better bring out the best in their Competent staff.

But the thing about people like Heidi is that they’ll find a way whatever situation they’re put in. What you can count on is that the morale of people who interact with Heidi (and those like her) will be markedly better because she’s there. It’s hard not to feel good when someone truly sees you.

Heidi has been in my life since our Sophomore year of high school. I rely on her as a refuge, someone who always understands and isn’t bothered by my failures. She’s just there. She shows up in most parts of my life. The amount of difference that’s made to me is immeasurable. Heidi is one of those people who could have an It’s a Wonderful Life experience and instead of Potterville she’d probably be looking at a Mad Max-style apocalypse.

As you consider these other facets of Competence, don’t underestimate the effect of genuine care. This sounds like a Hallmark special, but caring for others’ wellbeing might well be the factor that takes someone from “really good at stuff” to “remarkable.”